Accepting who you are...and who you will never be
Tomorrow I am taking a step towards something. In this moment I am not sure what that something is but I know it has to be done in order for me to move past what was and carry on with what will be.
I don't talk about the job I lost too much, mainly because it pisses me off to even think about 'those' people, but sometimes in order to move past something you have to stare it down. Tomorrow I am preparing my eyes for prolonged staring so that I can do two things, one - keep a promise I made to myself many years ago that I wouldn't ever let anyone take advantage of me again, and two - move on with my life. Some people say, "It was just a job," and yes they are correct in their thinking. The problem is when you give a company five years of your life, five years of working late, working from home, staying up to all hours - you can never get those moments back. It's kind of like missing your kid's first ballet class because you're scheduled to do something for work that falls in the exact same time frame. You miss it, you feel guilty, and nothing you will ever do or say will ever make that moment less important than it was.
Tomorrow I am standing up for myself, for the people that received the same treatment before me and the unlucky ones who will experience it after me. I'm telling my story of how being a woman, being forty, having a family, made me an undesirable employee even though my service was above and beyond. People discriminate - period. Some look at the color of your skin or see what you don't have between your legs and they judge. They think less of you because you want to be a good mom and take your kid to the doctor when they are sick instead of having your nanny do it. You become less worthy because you never accept the 'after work drink' invitations because you've already been away from your kids for twelve hours and if one more minute passes without you kissing their chubby cheeks you might just die. You become what you always were - something other than what they want.
I try my best to teach Alice never to look at someone and see only their skin color, or make judgments based on whether they are a girl or a boy; I teach her to be a human who is filled with compassion and morals and honesty. I teach her to be the person I wish I had faced every day when I went into work.
So whether something comes of tomorrow or not, at least I tried to speak for myself and those who didn't have the guts to. And if I leave and they tell me there just isn't enough to move forward, there will still be enough for me to go forward. I'll move past the anger, the resentment, the hurt and what will comfort me is that there is a higher power above us all. A grand jury we cannot see but know is there. Eventually we all have to pay for our crimes whether it be in the courts here on earth or those just yonder beyond the clouds.
I don't talk about the job I lost too much, mainly because it pisses me off to even think about 'those' people, but sometimes in order to move past something you have to stare it down. Tomorrow I am preparing my eyes for prolonged staring so that I can do two things, one - keep a promise I made to myself many years ago that I wouldn't ever let anyone take advantage of me again, and two - move on with my life. Some people say, "It was just a job," and yes they are correct in their thinking. The problem is when you give a company five years of your life, five years of working late, working from home, staying up to all hours - you can never get those moments back. It's kind of like missing your kid's first ballet class because you're scheduled to do something for work that falls in the exact same time frame. You miss it, you feel guilty, and nothing you will ever do or say will ever make that moment less important than it was.
Tomorrow I am standing up for myself, for the people that received the same treatment before me and the unlucky ones who will experience it after me. I'm telling my story of how being a woman, being forty, having a family, made me an undesirable employee even though my service was above and beyond. People discriminate - period. Some look at the color of your skin or see what you don't have between your legs and they judge. They think less of you because you want to be a good mom and take your kid to the doctor when they are sick instead of having your nanny do it. You become less worthy because you never accept the 'after work drink' invitations because you've already been away from your kids for twelve hours and if one more minute passes without you kissing their chubby cheeks you might just die. You become what you always were - something other than what they want.
I try my best to teach Alice never to look at someone and see only their skin color, or make judgments based on whether they are a girl or a boy; I teach her to be a human who is filled with compassion and morals and honesty. I teach her to be the person I wish I had faced every day when I went into work.
So whether something comes of tomorrow or not, at least I tried to speak for myself and those who didn't have the guts to. And if I leave and they tell me there just isn't enough to move forward, there will still be enough for me to go forward. I'll move past the anger, the resentment, the hurt and what will comfort me is that there is a higher power above us all. A grand jury we cannot see but know is there. Eventually we all have to pay for our crimes whether it be in the courts here on earth or those just yonder beyond the clouds.
i hope everything went well.
dont let 'em getcha down!
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Good for you!
I sometimes think that people wonder why I work where I work, doing what I do: a para educator in an IRC for less than $15,000 a year. The answer? The kids. The ones I teach every day, and certainly, my own. I wanted to be there for them - and I was. Now my son will soon be 17 ... and we're still having those great talks on our way into school each morning. No, we don't have a lot of fancy things or get to go on vacations or have nice cars. But we have each other and memories and moments we could never recapture. You're doing the right thing...being true to you and your children. Bravo!
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